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It was my first time participating in a constellation. I couldn’t arrange anything from my own life. That’s the rule. If it’s your first time – just observe.

And I observed this strange spectacle of Hellinger’s. People transforming into someone completely different. Behaving as if they were someone else. Crying. Laughing. Running away. Terrified. Surprised.

And I was asked to be a representative. Without details. On one side, suicide. On the other, life. A wife and a son. And me – someone I don’t know. I step into the middle and suddenly feel the weight. A huge, overwhelming weight in my chest. Life is not for me. I don’t want death, but it says that it will turn out to be so. The wife and son hugging, and I can’t look at them. I turn away.

This man wanted to kill himself. Because he saw no way out. He couldn’t see hope. No one would help him. He was alone with his burden. Just like me. I may have my Angel, but she can’t help me. I feel exactly the same way…