The Condensation of Time

Yesterday, for the first time in ages, I actually talked to G. Sure, we saw each other briefly on Wednesday. But it was on a hammock—broken conversation, poor quality, sound and video cutting out, leaving me unsatisfied.

In the background, “Mogło być nic” by Kwiat Jabłoni played. Over and over again. A loop. Borrowed, because it perfectly captures how this song has etched itself into my mind. It’s looping. Grayness and colors. So many colors lately in my life. And in this song. Colors that take your breath away. I love it when someone’s words suddenly turn out to describe my life, my state of mind, my dreams, my longings. And when they’re presented so beautifully, in the wondrous voices of two amazing souls, wrapped in a harmonious melody… a loop…

Of course, I could marvel at every tiny detail, but the moment has passed. I’m still here, she’s still there. And the question that dominates my mind remains: will there ever be a moment where we just are? Will we reach a point where we can revel in each other, wrapped in the magic of everyday life, which has somehow been intertwined in our connection from the start?

Right now, every moment she appears feels like a dream. Yet it’s more real now than… well, three weeks ago. We’ve known each other for three weeks. And it feels as though I could easily say—several months. I don’t know how that’s possible. No idea. A condensation of time and space. An abundance of experiences. It’s never enough. Like a child with an adult mind, persistently treated as just a child. This relationship has grown beyond both of us. It’s hard to keep up with it. It’s as though time is trying to compress years into these few weeks…

22.12.2024
So much wasted time. That thought came to me as I read this short text. And then another followed: I’ve changed. I’m not who I was back then. Our connection, our relationship—it’s no longer full of those thrills and wonders. On one hand, so much time wasted on fear, on pain, on sadness. Today’s text—New Year’s Dream—and yet I still can’t climb out of myself. Can’t dig myself out from the fears and traumas of childhood. What’s the point of it all? I’ve met an Angel. How can I give her joy and support if I’m still afraid?